Death surrounds us
by ScarletxRavenx
Summary: After Emily’s death everyone is struggling but for Penelope it seems to be particularly hard for her to deal with, she doesnt know how ro properly cope its takes a serious toll on her mental state.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own anything. **

**Warnings: contains mentions of drug abuse, death, mental illness. **

**I don't know much about drugs so I apologize if I get any information wrong, I have done some reasearch but it might not be completely accurate, I don't want to offend anyone. **

——

_"I think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's inside your heart when they go. _

— S.D.

———

It was the day after Emily's funeral. Everyone had the day off to grieve their loss and some were handling it better then others.

JJ, Rossi and Hotch all knew the truth that Emily wasn't actually dead so they made it their priority to look after everyone else.

Spencer has spent the past few days a JJ's house crying and trying to deal with the pain in a healthy way. He found comfort in talking to his friend but he was finding the loss very difficult to deal with.

Derek on the other hand chose to not talk about it he just wanted to push the feelings down and move on, he wasn't much for talking about his feelings he just preferred to keep to himself and grieve alone.

And then there was Penelope, she wasn't coping much at all. She hated death more then anything it was her biggest fear. She had tried to go to the funeral but she barely lasted five minutes before she left, she just couldn't take it, it brought up too many painful memories. JJ had tried to go after her to make sure that she was alright but Penelope insisted that she was fine and that JJ go back and be with the team.

Ever since her parents died she was terrified of losing the people that she loved, that's why she went underground she didn't want to get close to anybody because of the fear that they would just die and leave her.

She wasn't that person anymore and she refused to just run and leave her family behind so she had to find another way to deal with this but the problem was she didn't know how to deal with it.

She was sitting on the couch drinking some coffee and trying desperately to fight back at the exhaustion that she was feeling, she barely slept last night.

Her cellphone started ringing and she saw 'Hotstuff' on the caller id so she answered it.

"Hey handsome, what's up?" She said trying her best to sound normal.

Derek was not fooled by her he could tell that it was just a show.

"I just wanted to check in on you sweetness. You left yesterday and I wanted to make sure that you were ok." He told her.

"Oh, yeah I'm holding up, funerals just aren't really my thing I guess." She said letting her sadness come through slightly.

"Well listen, I'm gonna go out later for some drinks, do you wanna come?" He asked.

"Yeah ok." She answered.

"Good, I'll see you later goddess." He said before hanging up the phone. He was worried about his best friend, he knew how she felt about death but he also knew that she was incredibly stubborn and wouldn't tell him the truth as to how she was actually feeling.

———

Later that night Derek picked Penelope up and they headed out to the bar together. Derek took notice of the lack of colourfulness in penelopes' appearance she was wearing a grey and black dress with black heels and her makeup was done in a natural look. He decided to not mention it as he could understand her not feeling particularly colourful at the moment.

When the pair arrived at the bar they ordered drinks, Derek had a beer and Penelope had a glass of red wine. They were just sitting and talking and enjoying each other's company. A while later both were getting pretty drunk. A pretty looking girl approached their table and asked Derek if he wanted to dance. Derek looked at Penelope as if he was asking her permission.

"Go ahead, have fun." She smiled to let him know it was fine and she meant it she wanted Derek to have a good time.

However now she was sitting alone and without her friend to distract her she felt the pain coming back and no matter how much wine she drunk she couldn't get it to go away.

She was confused when a man sat down next to her at the table.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing looking all sad?" He asked.

"None of your business." She replied, she wasn't trying to be rude but she didn't feel like talking feelings with some random guy.

"I have something that will cheer you up." The man said.

"I'm not sleeping with you." She replied bluntly.

"That's not what I meant." He said as he put something on the table in front of her.

She looked and saw a pink pill with a heart shape imprinted on it.

"It'll help, after a few minutes you'll be the happiest you've even been." He explained.

It this was any other day under any other circumstances Penelope would've told the guy to get lost. But today was not just any other day and through her grief and her drunken state she wasn't thinking rationally and before she realized what she was doing she took the pill and quickly swallowing it along with the rest of her wine.

After she did that she immediately regretted it as she realized that she had just taken something from a total stranger, he could kill her for all she knew. She wanted to go find Derek but as she looked around the room he was no where to be found. She knew that he had to be here somewhere as it wasn't like him to just leave without saying goodbye. She felt as though her safest option was to stay here because there were other people around.

She got some water from the bar and tried to calm herself down. After about twenty minutes something came over her, a feeling of complete euphoria washed over her entire body, the lights were brighter the music was louder she had never felt so peaceful everything from the past few days just seemed to disappear there was no anxiety, no sadness, no grief, no pain there was just pure joy.

She couldn't sit still anymore she had to get up and do something so she grabbed the mans hand and pulled him over to the dance floor with her and she danced with no insecurities no worries. She didn't know how long they had been at it for and she didn't care time was irrelevant she just wanted to bask in this feeling forever.

Derek however did realize that it was late and so he went over to her. He couldn't help but smile watching her dance it was nice to see her happy after everything that's been going on.

"Hey, gorgeous I'm gonna head home, are you going to be ok?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm great!" She responded happily while still dancing.

"Alright, ill see you at work tomorrow." Derek said before leaving the bar and calling a cab.

———

The bar was closing for the night and the man had given Penelope his number before leaving. Penelope was still buzzing as she walked herself home, she was humming songs to herself happily as she walked down the street without a care in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

Penelope was currently getting ready for work she was slowly coming down from her high and the extreme euphoria was gone but she was still feeling very peaceful and calm. She hadn't slept at all last night as she had way too much energy. She didn't remember much after leaving the bar but she was feeling pretty hungover from all the wine she consumed.

When she arrived at work she was immediately greeted by Derek.

"How's the hangover doll face?" He teased.

"Hey you cant judge, you were pretty drunk yourself." She said.

"Yes, but not as drunk as you." He laughed. "I didn't know you could dance like that."

Before she had a chance to reply Hotch called Derek into his office. She had completely forgot that they were doing the psych evaluations today to make sure that they were all in the right mind state to go back to work.

She really didn't want to do it especially not now, the drugs were slowly leaving her system, she was sleep deprived and hungover but she knew that she just had to keep herself together long enough for her psych eval to be over.

She sat down and started talking to Reid to try and distract herself as much as possible and also because she knew that he was talking Emilys death really hard and she was really worried about him. She saw Reid as her brother and she wanted to make sure that he was ok.

"Hey my genius, how you doing?" She asked with a smile.

"I don't know, I just can't believe she's actually gone." He replied. "What about you?" He asked

"Oh um i just trying to cope." She answered and technically it wasn't a lie she was coping just not in a healthy way.

A short while later it was her turn for the eval so she pulled herself together and met Hotch in his office. They sat down and talked and he asked her some questions. She lied right through her teeth for the most part, she knew what he wanted her to say and she knew how to be convincing. She hated every second of it she felt like she was being profiled and it made her increasingly uncomfortable.

When it was finally over Hotch handed her a piece of paper, she quickly scanned it over and was relieved when she realized that it was a form saying that she was cleared to start work again.

"Thank you sir." She said before joining everyone else around the table in the conference room.

She was the last one to be evaluated so now everyone was cleared and ready to start work. It was difficult without e but they knew that they had to make it work.

They had a new case to work on but it was fairly nearby so they wouldn't have to travel anywhere for it. JJ was standing at the front presenting the case but Penelope wasn't paying much attention, the last of her high had finally worn off and she felt terrible even worse then she did when she was at the funeral, she felt this feeling of depression weighing down on her, and now that she was sober she didn't have anything to combat it with.

When everyone split up and went to their perspective desks and offices, Penelope made sure to close her door behind her she then put her bag on her desk and dug around until she found the small crumpled up piece of paper with the number on it, She took out her cellphone and dialled the number.

"Hello." The guy answered.

"I'm the girl from the bar last night, I need more pills." She said quietly enough so that no one would over hear her.

"Alright, meet me outside of the bar in an hour." He said.

Penelope was going to respond but didn't get the chance when she heard her door open she quickly hung up the phone and threw it back into her bag.

"Hey." Derek said while leaning against the doorframe.

"Hi." Penelope said as she turned around to face him.

"Everything ok?" He asked noticing that she seemed a bit jumpy.

"Oh yeah I'm fine. Did you need something?" She asked trying to change the subject.

"I just wanted in check in on you, baby girl you know I love you right?"

"Of course. I love you too my hero, thanks of checking in I appreciate it." She said.

———

When the hour passed p grabbed her purse and made her way towards the elevator.

"Where you going?" Reid asked.

"Just going on a quick coffee run, I'm in desperate need of caffeine." She lied but it worked and soon she was back at the bar waiting for the guy to show up.

Soon enough he appeared and she bought a small baggy with five of the pills in it three of them were the pink heart ones from the bar and the other two were purple and had smiley faces on them. She gave the man some cash and they parted ways.

"I'm Danny, by the way." He told her in passing. She didn't give him her name she didn't feel the need it's not like they were friends they didn't even know each other and she had no desire to know him on a personal level.

———

After she was done at work she went back home and drank some wine she had decided that she should wait until tomorrow before taking the pills as she needed to actually get some proper sleep,

So she tucked away the baggie with her _'happy pills'_ as she called them away in her purse before getting to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Penelope was sitting on the counter in her bathroom doing her makeup and hair she had been here for quite some time now. She had taken a pill an hour ago and now she was blaring David Bowie and singing along carelessly as she got ready.

Her makeup was dramatic even for her, she had dark blue and purple eyeshadow, black winged eyeliner, sparkly glitter around her eyes, and purple lipstick. She loved how the colours looked.

She put her hair half up and half down and tied it in the back with a pink bow.

She checked the time and realized that she was going to be late.

"Frick!" She yelled as she grabbed her bag and rushed out the door.

She got into the car and drove to work, she checked the time when she got out of the car and saw that she in fact wasn't late she was perfectly on time, she didn't give it a second thought though as she walk inside the building still humming happily to the music that was stuck in her head.

When she got off the elevator she vision started going in and out of focus and she couldn't see clearly everything was so fuzzy.

She felt herself bump into something.

"Oh sorry honey." She apologized when she realized that it was Reid.

"Are you ok Garcia?" He asked her. Something seemed off.

"Yeah I'm great." She said with a big smile.

"Come here." He said as he took her by the hand and lead her over to a small room so they would be alone.

"What are you doing?" She laughed.

"Are you dunk?" He asked her.

"Don't be silly! Of course I'm not drunk." She chuckled. "I think I need new glasses I can't see." She said more to herself then to him.

He tilted her head up so he could look at her eyes her pupils were dilated and her eyes were shaking quickly.

He quickly ran different possibilities through his head trying to figure out what was going on. "Did you take something?" He asked concerned.

"Of course not! Don't be silly." She lied with the smile never leaving her face. She was a terrible liar and Spencer knew it.

"I need you to be honest with me Penelope, this is serious I won't be mad or anything but I need to know what it is." He tried but she wasn't budging.

When she didn't answer he came up with a different plan.

"Ok stay here." He told her before going to find Derek.

"Morgan I need your help it's Penelope." He told Derek quietly enough so no one else would hear.

"Is she ok?" Derek asked concerned.

"I don't think so. I think she's on something but she won't tell me what it is." He explained.

"That's ridiculous. There's no way she would do something like that." Derek said.

"Have you seen her." Reid responded, annoyed that Derek was questioning him he just wanted to get back to her quickly.

"Just come on you'll see." He said as he took Derek into the room.

Penelope was pacing around, she felt like her entire body was buzzing she was so busy in her own little world that she hadn't noticed the two other men that had walked in.

Once Derek laid eyes on her he knew that Reid was right.

"Hey." he said softly to get her attention.

"Oh! My beautiful beautiful chocolate god." She said as she hugged him tightly, the physical connection had immediately sent tingles through her body as they hugged.

"Sit down Baby." He told her as her pulled out a chair for her and he sat in front of her.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"Nothing is going on! Everything is so incredibly perfect!" She insisted.

"Come on hon I'm really worried here please just tell me." He practically begged.

"It's just some pills! It's fine." She said.

"What kind of pills?" Reid asked.

"Ecstasy." She finally admitted.

"Do you have any on you?" Reid asked.

She nodded and pulled out and baggie with the colourful pills.

He took them from her despite her protest. She didn't have all of the pills with her, she still had five at her apartment.

"I'm going to get these to the lab to make sure that there's nothing too harmful in them. Take her home make sure she drinks enough water and doesn't over heat." Reid said

"What about h?" Derek asked.

"Don't worry I'll make something up. She doesn't need to lose her job over this."

———

Derek and Penelope were at back at her apartment, Penelope had tried multiple times to tell Derek that she didn't need a babysitter but Derek refused to leave her she was in no state right now to be left alone.

Derek was sitting on the couch and Penelope was lying beside him with her head in his lap staring at the ceiling Derek was gently petting her hair as she watched as colourful patterns danced across the ceiling.

"I drove to work today." She said suddenly, more to herself then to him.

"What?" Derek asked

"I drove to work while I was high on drugs, I could have killed somebody." She said as if she had just now realized that.

"My parents were killed by a drunk driver and I'm stupid enough drive high, what the hell Is wrong with me?"

"Hey, don't talk like that there's nothing wrong with you you made a mistake and you need some help but it's gonna be ok, I know that you don't like to admit it but even you need help sometimes and it's ok." He told her.

She sat up now to look at him.

"I love you." She told him.

"I love you too." He replied

"No that's not what I mean, I mean like I really love you." She said. Then out of nowhere she kissed him and Derek couldn't help but to kiss her back but after he realized what he was doing to made himself pull away even though he really didn't want to.

"We can't do this." He said.

"Why not?" She asked her voice sounded confused and hurt.

"Because Baby you are so not in the right mental state right now to be consenting to anything and I'm not about to take advantage of you like that, I respect you far too much to do that to you." He explained.

"I just wanna be loved." She said.

"You are loved, I love you more then you could possibly understand and when you sober up I'll prove it to you." He said as he took her hand in hers.

"How long has this been going on for?" He asked referring to the drug abuse, hoping that this was just a one time thing.

"I met a guy at the bar after you went off with that girl. He said that I looked sad and that it would help so I took it, it was stupid and impulsive and I immediately regretted it but I didn't know what to do and after a while when it kicked in I felt so happy like nothing was wrong like Emily wasn't dead and everything was so perfect and I just wanted to feel that way forever." She told him smiling.

Derek wanted to kill that guy for giving it to her he was so angry but he was most angry at himself for leaving her alone, he knew that she was upset and drunk but he still left her to go dance with some random girl and then he left her at the bar by herself, he was so lucky that nothing else had happened to her that night this could have been a lot worse and he would have never forgiven himself if he let something happen to her.

"I'm so sorry I left." He said softly.

"Oh don't apologize love, I'm totally fine I'm really happy right now." She said

"Yeah your happy right now because you're high. What's about when it wears off?" He asked.

Penelope just looked down not wanting to think about what happens when she comes down.

"Just please don't leave me." She said seriously.

"I'm not going anywhere I'm staying right here I've got nowhere else to be." He told her.


	4. Chapter 4

Derek and Penelope had ended up falling asleep together on the couch that night. Now they were both awake and Penelope was back to being sober and miserable.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked.

"I've been better." She replied sadly. "I'm so sorry that you had to babysit me. I'm going to go talk to Hotch today and I'll tell him everything."

"He'll understand Pen, you just need some time to sort everything out you know that he would never fire you." Derek said.

"Being fired is the least of my concerns right now hon, Hotch might understand but Erin certainly will not and when she finds out she'll fire me on the spot and then my contract with the bau would be broken and I'll be in prison and I wouldn't survive in prison." She rambled.

"Hey, there is no way in hell that I'm going to let you go to prison, you're not going anywhere, we are going to figure this out together just like we always do, ok?" He said.

"Ok." She reluctantly agreed even though she didn't fully believe him.

After the two were fine getting ready they headed off to work together. Penelope was feeling incredibly embarrassed about last night but Derek kept insisting that she shouldn't be embarrassed.

Penelope went straight over to Hotch's office and went inside to tell him what was going on, she was nervous but she knew that she didn't have a choice.

As she was talking to Hotch Derek was talking with Spencer.

"How is she?" Reid asked.

"She's not well, shes really hurting I've never seen her like this and killing me." Derek said honestly.

"She'll be ok, we've all been though hell together and we'll get through this too as a family like we always do." Reid said confidently.

Reid wanted to be there for his friend, he knew better then anyone what she was going through right now not just with e death but also with the drugs, he had been considering taking dilaudid again recently but he is now realizing that it won't help anything and it would only make this all so much worse.

Derek stood up as he saw her walking out of the office.

"How'd it go?" He asked her.

"He said that I have to go to therapy but that I can keep working if I can handle it, and that he and r would handle S" she explained.

"That's good, I told you it'd be ok." He said.

"You were right like always, my love." She smiled.

"I'm gonna go get my computers started up, I'll see you later." She said before disappearing into her office.

——

Hotch was talking in private with Rossi and JJ about the situation, he thought that it would be better for them to know.

"Garcia hasn't been coping particularly well with Emilys death, she started using ecstasy." Hotch explained.

"What." JJ gasped. "Hotch we have to tell her the truth, this has gone way too far."

"You know that we can't tell her JJ, if we did it would put her and Emily in danger. I've set her up with a therapist and d and r are helping her out. Trust me I want to tell them at least as much as you do but we can't It's now safe yet." Hotch said, and JJ knew that he was right but keeping such a secret from her family made her feel sick, seeing the pain in them was so hard for her to deal with the only reason that she was able to keep up the act was knowing the Emily would be coming back eventually and everything would be ok once more.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a week since Penelope had spoken to Hotch and things were slowly beginning to get better. She seemed to be happier and therapy was going well and she was no longer using drugs. She didn't particularly enjoy going to therapy because she didn't like the vulnerability of it but she knew that it was necessary. She was having a lot of trouble sleeping because she would have terrible nightmares about everyone around her dying. The doctor gave her some sleeping pills but they only helped her to fall asleep they didn't stop the nightmares so some nights she just wouldn't sleep, the fear was too strong.

Aside from her sleeping problems she actually was feeling a bit better, she was still struggling a lot but she was just taking it one day at a time, and trying to focus on her job and her friends.

The team was working on a bombing case where the Unsub was putting bombs in buildings and exploding them to kill people.

It was dark out and the team had been notified of a bomb in an apartment building it was on a timer so they didn't have the time to wait for the squad to show up. After evacuating everyone from the building Derek went inside since he had training with the bomb squad. He was on the phone with Penelope who was reading him the instructions to defuse it since it had been so long since his training, With her help he was almost done defusing the bomb.

"Ok, what's the timer at?" Penelope asked.

"50 seconds." Derek said.

"Ok cut the top blue wire and you're done." Penelope explained.

Derek made the cut but the timer didn't stop it kept going.

"It didn't work. There's 35 seconds left." He said getting nervous.

"Just get out of there." Penelope told him.

"No I think I know what to do." Derek said.

"Derek you don't have time, get the hell out of there!" Penelope pleaded.

There was a eerie silence on the other end of the line for a few long seconds then suddenly there was a deafening loud explosion sound the boomed through the phone.

Penelope flinched at the terrible noise and her breath caught in her throat, her body shook as the fear raced through her.

"Derek!... Derek!" She pleaded through the phone as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Derek! Please answer me."

"I'm here, I'm ok." Derek finally answered sounding out of breath.

Penelope let out a breath of relief and put her head into her hands.

"You're all ok?" She asked.

Derek put his phone on speaker so she could hear everyone for herself.

"We got out of the building, no ones injured." Reid said.

"We're all fine pen." JJ said.

"Go home and get some rest Garcia, it's late we'll talk to you tomorrow." Hotch told her.

"Ok, just stay super safe my hero's, I love you guys." She said to them as a few tears ran down her face.

"We love you too kitten." Rossi said.

"We promise we'll all come back safe." Reid said before they hung up.

——

Penelope was back at her apartment but she knew that she wasn't going to be sleeping tonight. she just couldn't seem to get that horrible explosion sound out of her head.

She knew that her family was safe but she just couldn't shake this feeling that raked her body. For a few seconds when Derek didn't answer her she really did think that he was dead this wasn't the first time that one of them had almost died, it wasn't even the first time the Derek almost gotten himself blown up and she knew that it probably wouldn't be the last.

When she first joined the team she never expected her life to be like this she never expected these people would become not only her best friends but also her family, she loved her sometimes dysfunctional family but having these people around her that she loved so dearly was also a scary thing for her especially considering the dangerous nature of the job. It was scary being so close to people that could just get shot or blown up in a building or get stabbed with a wooden stake. She just wanted to keep them all safe she wanted to be able to protect everyone, which she knew was impossible since death surrounds them everyday.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hi Penelope, how are you doing today?" Her bubbly therapist asked.

"I'm ok." She replied as she sat down across from the woman named Kate.

"Has your sleeping improved any from the last time we spoke?"

"Not really." She admitted. "I don't like sleeping because I don't like what I see when I close my eyes."

"Ok." Kate said as she wrote something down on her notepad.

"I was hoping that today we could dig a little bit deeper so that we can try to better understand why it is that you decided to do drugs."

"But I already know why, I started using because I was upset about my friends death." Penelope told her.

"Well you see, addictions can be quite complicated and there is almost never just one cause but multiple different things that build up over time. Emily's death is definitely a reason but there are probably other things going on here that you probably never even realized." Kate explained.

"Ok." Penelope agreed.

"You always refer to your team as your family but what about any blood relatives?" She asked.

"My parents died in a car crash when I was eighteen, my brothers hate me because they blame me for their deaths so I don't really have any blood related family." Penelope explained.

"Why do your brothers blame you?" Kate asked.

"Because my parents were out looking for me the night if the crash."

"Do you blame yourself?"

"Of course I do." Penelope replied.

"Ok, so what happened after your parents died?" Kate asked.

"I ran. I dropped out of school and went off the grid, I started dating this guy and I became a hacker, that's how I was recruited for the FBI, I was on a blacklist for the most dangerous hackers in the world. Eventually they caught me and they gave me a job instead of sending me to prison."

"Why did you run?" Kate asked.

"Because I couldn't deal with the grief of losing my parents or the guilt of the fact that it My my fault. I couldn't handle being myself, it was too painful so I became someone else, I was known as the black queen and I built up a whole new identity for myself so I would have to deal with the pain." Penelope said. She hadn't expected to say any of that it just kinda came out. She never really talked about this stuff before so now that she finally is it's all coming out.

"How has your life been like after joining the team? It must not be easy to be surrounded with so much bad things all day." Kate said.

"It's not that bad, I'm not the one who puts her life in danger every day like everyone else, I'm almost never in the field." Penelope said

"You might not be in the field all the time but you still see horrible things every day and you are in danger, just because your not carrying a gun with you and storming into buildings doesn't mean that you're in any less danger. I heard that you were shot before."

"Yes but what does that have to do with anything?" Penelope asked confused as to why she was bringing this up.

"It's a trauma that you've experienced." Kate stated.

"It was two years ago, I'm over it it's not a big deal."

"Penelope a man asked you out on a date, charmed you and made you trust him so much so that you let him drive you home, then he shot you and you almost died during surgery. A couple of days later he breaks into your apartment building and try's to kill you again. That sounds like a pretty big deal to me." Kate said.

"Can we just talk about something else?" Penelope asked suddenly getting annoyed.

"Can we talk about what happened in Alaska?" Kate asked.

"How do know about Alaska? Have you been reading my files?" Penelope asked feeling extremely exposed at the moment.

"Yes I did look at your files and I spoke with agent Hotchner." Kate said calmly.

"Ok well if you read my files then you would know that when I was in Alaska I watched a man get stabbed and so I ran towards him to help him and he died in my arms and I watched the life leave his body. Is that what you wanted to know?" Penelope snapped.

"What about the part where you ran after the killer?" Kate asked.

"Yeah so I ran towards the killer, a man was dying what was I supposed to do? I couldn't just let him die!"

"You put yourself in danger it might have been to save someone's life but it was still reckless especially when you easily could have gotten someone on you team to help you. You could have been in shock from watching that happen but Why would you even go outside by yourself in the middle of the night unarmed when you knew that there was a serial killer running around. And what about with Jason Battle? You knowingly got into his car even though he was a total stranger, you work for the fbi surly you know how dangerous that is." Kate said.

"What are you getting at Kate?" Penelope asked.

"I think that you subconsciously put yourself into dangerous situations."

"That's ridiculous! Why would I do that?" Penelope snapped.

"I don't know, you tell me." Kate said.

"This is insane. I'm going home." Penelope said as she stood up.

"Ok, I get it we have done a lot today so just think about it, ok?" Kate said.

Penelope didn't answer her as she quickly walked out of the office.


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey, how'd therapy go?" Derek asked over the phone to Penelope. He knew that she didn't enjoy going so he wanted to check on her.

"Well she thinks I'm suicidal or something." Penelope said.

"Did she actually say that." Derek asked.

"She said that I place myself into dangerous situations on purpose, like I'm trying to get myself killed or something." Penelope explained as she paced around her apartment.

"Just been I got into a car with Battle and because I ran after the serial killer in Alaska... and I drove into work when I was under the influence... and took drugs from a random stranger. Maybe she _does_ have a point." Penelope admitted.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"Oh honey you are many things but you are definitely not crazy. You've just been through a lot and you don't like dealing with it so you don't, you like to run so you don't have to feel the pain but now you can't run anymore and your being forced to feel everything that you've been avoiding for so long and you're freaking out a little bit but that's a good thing it means that you're healing. Derek said.

"If I'm supposed to be healing then why do I feel like I'm dying?" She asked.

"Because unfortunately healing hurts like hell." Derek said.

Penelope smiled slightly. "Thank you."

"For What?" Derek asked.

"For always being here for me even when I'm going insane." Penelope said.

"I love you." Derek said.

"And I love you, my hero." Penelope replied before hanging up the phone.

——

The next day at work Penelope was presenting the new case.

"You, My loves are going to San Jose California. Four woman have been stabbed to death while walking home alone at night."

"Garcia I can get another tech if your not up for it but I'd like you to come with us for this case." Hotch said.

"Of course I'll come." She replied.

"Ok wheels up in 20." Hotch announced.

——

As Penelope stepped of the jet she looked around at her surroundings. She couldn't believe that she was back here, the place where her life fell apart so many memories she had buried here and now she was back.

She hadn't thought that it would be a big deal before but now that she was actually here it proved more difficult then she anticipated.

"Morgan, Rossi and I will go check out the latest crime scene. JJ and Reid go speak to the victims family. Garcia I need you to see if you find any footage from the street cameras." Hotch said and they all split up to get to work.

——

After spending a week in Cali the team was finally able to catch the killer. Hotch had gave them all the day off and then they would be going home tomorrow.

"Where do you think you're going?" Derek asked teasingly as he saw Penelope waking out of the hotel room.

"I just have something that I need to do." She replied.

Derek just gave her a look as to say 'spill it'.

"I'm going to see my brothers ok." She admitted.

"Do you really think that's a good idea hon?" Derek asked.

"Oh I _know_ it's a bad idea but it's something that I have to do." Penelope said honestly.

"Can I at least come with you?" Derek asked.

"I love you for offering but I need to do this alone." Penelope said before walking off.

She took a cab to her brother Carlos's house, she felt bad for just showing up unannounced but she knew that if she tried to call he would never answer her.

After taking a moment to gather up the courage she walked up the porch and knocked on the door.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked after opening up the door and seeing his sister standing there.

"I just wanted to talk to you guys. I know that you all blame me but it's been years and I just want to talk. Do you think that you could call others?" She asked hopefully.

He thought about it for a second before answering. "Fine I can't promise that anyone will show up but I guess I'll try."

"Thank you so much. Meet me at the house in an hour. Ok?" She said before leaving happily. She didn't know if she was ready to have this conversation but she was happy that she would at least get the chance.

The house wasn't too far away so she decided to just walk there. She still knew this city like the back of her hand. As she walked she took in the once familiar surroundings and she felt odd being back here in a way it was nice but it was also terrifying at the same time.

After about 20 minutes she reached the house. As she walked inside a feeling of calm cane over her everything was exactly how she remembered it, her brothers hadn't changed a thing.

She slowly walked through the living room and went upstairs to her old bedroom. She smiled as she opened the door and saw everything untouched. When she moved out and became a hacker she didn't really take anything with her so all of her old clothes and everything was still as she left it, it was comforting.

After a while she heard the front door open so she went downstairs and for the first time in what felt like forever she cane face to face with all of her brothers.

"Hi." She said nervously.

"So why are you here? What do you want?" Eddie snapped.

"I was just hoping that we could all talk like adults. I want to make things right with you guys." Penelope explained.

"I thought you were dead or something." Carlos said coldly. "You just decided to run away and become a fucking criminal. I had the fbi knocking on the door saying that you were a wanted felon and asking if we knew where you were!"

"I know that what I did was wrong, I've made a lot of mistakes but I'm still your sister and I—"

"No!" Manny cut her off. "You're Not our sister, I don't even know who you are, we know nothing about you. I thought you were either dead or in jail but clearly you're not so what have you been up to all this time."

"I was arrested for cybercrime's a couple of years after I ran away, but I never went to jail the FBI gave me a job instead and I work for them as a technical analyst for the behaviour analysis unit. That's actually why I'm in Cali right now There's been stabbings."

"So why did you suddenly decided to reach out to us?" Carlos asked still sounding stone cold.

"Look I understand that you are all still really mad at me and I don't blame you for it. Ive really messed up in the past and I am so incredibly sorry for it. I've just... seen a lot of things recently and It just brought up a lot of things and I guess I just wanted to see if there was any way that I could make it up to you." Penelope said.

They all laughed at her like she was crazy.

"Are you serious? You actually think that you can just show up here after all this time and everything would be ok? We want _nothing_ to do with you, you killed our parents! The only way that you could possibly make anything better was if you switched places with them!" Carlos spat at her.

"Don't you think I would if I could!" Penelope said trying to hold back her tears. "I used to pray that god would kill me and let them live! But I can't change the past and I can't bring them back to life and I'm so so sorry that I can't."

"You know what, we're done here, our lives were so much better when you weren't in it so just do us all a favour and go back to being dead." Eddie said to her then they all turned to leave but he paused for a second as he opened and door and turned back around. "Oh and just for the record I used to pray that god would kill you too." He added before slamming the door behind him.

Penelope fell to the ground and cried after they left. She knew that she shouldn't have cane back here she just wanted to try and fix things, she wanted to believe that her brothers would have been able to move on from the past and see her as their sister again but she was wrong and now she was sitting on the stairs of her old house crying all alone, much like she had done on the night of her parents death.


	8. Chapter 8

The team was back on the jet flying back home. Derek couldn't help but notice Penelope's change in mood, even since she got back from her brothers she was barely talking to anyone and she just looked really upset.

Reid seemed to notice too and so he decided to see if Derek knew what was up.

"What happened?" He asked glancing over to Penelope who was staring out of the window lost in her own world.

"I'm not sure, she went to visit her brothers yesterday and I'm assuming it didn't go well but she's not talking to me." Derek said.

"She'll be ok, it's probably just been a lot for her seeing her brothers after so long and being back in Cali, she's probably just overwhelmed." Reid said.

"You're probably right, pretty boy." Derek said but he still can shake the feeling that something more was wrong, he knew that he was just overprotective of her but he could help it he loved this woman and hated seeing her like this.

"Hey do you guys wanna go out after maybe get some drinks?" JJ asked she could tell that everyone needed something to unwind.

Everyone agreed, and the rest of the plane ride was filled with friendly conversations and games of cards, even though Reid would almost always win it was still fun to play together.

——

"Bye Princess, I'll see you at work tomorrow." Derek said happily as he dropped Penelope off at her house after they had all left the bar. She seemed to be feeling better now after they had gotten home so Derek wasn't too worried anymore.

"See you later my stud muffin. Drive safe." She said as she watched him drive away, she waited until he was gone before going inside.

She felt so drained and exhausted. She laid down on her bed and just stared at the ceiling. She couldn't stop her mind from racing, the words that her brothers so coldly said to her felt like knives in her chest as they replayed though her head over and over again. She couldn't blame them for hating her and she couldn't blame them for saying those things after all she knew that she shouldn't have gone there she knew that it wasn't going to end well but she still went anyway.

Why did I do that? She asked herself, probably just another way to self sabotage like her therapist told her.

She had been doing a lot of thinking about her last therapy session and why she put herself into these situation and she came to the conclusion that she wasn't necessarily trying to die but it was more so that she didn't care if she did. She didn't see herself as anything important she saw herself as some nerdy girl that no one will ever love, she didn't think that anyone would really truly miss her if she just disappeared. She did know however that the team would, she knew that it would really hurt them if she died she did know that but sometimes she just found it hard to believe.

She eventually was able to drift off to sleep although it wasn't very peaceful, she dreamed of the night her parents died but it was different she actually saw them being hit by the car in gruesome detail, she could hear the sound of her own screams and she could hear the voices of her brothers yelling at her screaming that it was all her fault.

She awoke with a start as her alarm clock went off. she quickly got up and went to the washroom. She had a bit of a headache so she went into the medicine cabinet to get some Advil, but as she dug around looking for the bottle she discovered something else, the baggie with the ecstasy she had completely forgot that she still had this, half of her was screaming to throw it away but the other half desperately wanted to take some. She slipped the small bag into her purse and finished getting ready for work.

——

"Hey what's wrong?" Derek asked as Penelope walked past him without saying her usual morning greeting. "And don't you dare tell me it's nothing because I know you."

"You were right, I shouldn't have gone to see my brothers it was stupid." She replied not making eye contact as she spoke.

"What did they say?" Derek causally pushed a bit further.

"Nothing that's worth repeating." Penelope said and walked over to her office before Derek could continue his questions.

Derek was about to go after her but JJ called him over to discuss some case details so he decided that he would give her a few minutes and he would check on her later.

He was worried that her going to see her brothers brought up a lot of painful memories back for her, he didn't know what had happened but he just hoped that she wasn't upset enough to do anything stupid.

Unfortunately she was upset enough to do something stupid. She was sitting in her office and she reached into her purse for the baggie. She had made her decision and tried to shake out one pill but she accidentally got all five to fall into her hand.

"Fuck it." She muttered to herself and then she swallowed them all. she just didn't care anymore she was already such a screw up why should it matter. It's not that she was trying to die but she just didn't care much either way she was too upset to be thinking straight.

After that she just continued on like nothing happened she continued to work and now her and everyone else were were at the round table discussing a new case. It had been about a half hour since she had taken the pills and she had felt fine up until now, suddenly it just hit her like a ton of bricks. Everything got really blurry and she felt really hot, she had grabbed a bottle of water but it wasn't helping it was just getting worse.

"Are you ok Garcia?" Reid asked as he looked over at her.

She just nodded in response she had tried to speak but her jaw was tightly clenched shut. She tried to stand up but quickly had to grab onto the table for support as she was hit with a wave of dizziness and her head felt like it was going to explode.

"Wow hey what's wrong?" Derek asked concerned as he ran over to her side.

It became harder for her to breath properly and her heart felt like it going to burst out of her chest. She skin began to turn bright red and she was quickly overheating. It took her a minute to comprehend what was going on but she finally realized what she had done she was overdosing, she was dying. Panic ran through her body, sure she had taken the pills but now that it was actually happening she realized that she was wrong she didn't want to die at all she wanted to live.

Her legs gave out but d managed to catch her and lay her down carefully.

"I'll call an ambulance." Hotch said.

"What the hell is happening?!" Derek asked.

"Penelope, hey look at me." Reid said to her.

She tried but she didn't quite know where he was right now everything looked so distorted and she was hallucinating.

"I need you to try and listen to me, did you take more pills?" He asked.

She nodded her head yes.

"She's overdosing and She's over heating, it's a side effect of the drugs." Reid explained.

"I don't wanna die!" Penelope managed to say through her clenched jaw. She had tears streaming down her face and she was shaking.

"Hey nobodies dying. Do you understand me? You are going to be fine." Derek said he was trying to be strong for her but in reality he had never been more terrified he could tell that this was bad he'd never seen someone look so ill."

Penelope eyes started to close.

"No no, keep your eyes open goddess come on. I need you I love you please just stay with me please. You've been fighting so well don't stop now please don't stop now." Derek said as he held her hand. He could see her fading and he couldn't help the tears that were now escaping from his eyes.

Penelope's eyes shut despite her best efforts this might just be a fight that she can't win.

Soon the ambulance arrived and she was rushed to the hospital.

Reid knew how bad this was he could tell by looking at her that her chances of surviving this probably wasn't good.

"She cant die." He said mostly to himself. "She cant, we cant lose anyone else." If Penelope died too he didn't know what he would do, she was practically his sister. He almost broke completely after Emily died, if Penelope were to die too he just wouldn't be able to handle it. None of them would.


	9. Chapter 9

They all quickly sped off to the hospital following behind the ambulance.

Once they arrived they were escorted to a waiting room and were forced to just sit there wait anxiously for any news about their friend. This situation was all too familiar to them just a few weeks earlier they were all sitting in a smaller waiting room waiting to hear about Emily, now everyone just had to hope and pray the Penelope wouldn't have the same fate.

The amount of anxious tension in the room was thick, emotions were radiating off of everyone. JJ was nervously bouncing her leg up and down and biting her nails she felt so guilty, keeping this huge of a secret from her friends was eating her alive and she just wanted to scream and explain everything but she knew that it wouldn't help she knew that it would only put Emily in more danger and she knew that it wouldn't magically make Penelope better. Reid held JJ's other hand comfortingly as he tried to not let his thoughts and fears over come him. Hotch and Rossi were pretty much unreadable like usual but Hotch couldn't help but feel like he had let his team down. It was his decision to have Emily fake her own death and his decisions might have caused Penelope to lose her life. Derek refused to sit down, he leaned against a wall for support and he tried to keep his emotions in check, he knew that freaking out and punching things wouldn't help.

Time was dragging on and it felt like hours were going by when in reality it had only been a little over one hour.

Finally they saw a doctor coming towards them. Hotch tried to profile him to get an idea of what he would say to them but it wasn't much help.

"Penelope has large amounts of MDMA in her system. she flatlined and it was very hard to bring her back but she's stable now, we were able to treat her symptoms but she hasn't woken up yet and there may have been some damage done to her brain but we won't know for sure until she wakes up." The doctor explained as sympathetically as possible.

"And when will she wake up?" Reid asked.

"We don't know." He replied sadly. "You can see her if you'd like she's just down the hall." He informed them.

"Thank you." Hotch said and they all walked together to the room.

She was lying on the bed the only sign of her still being alive was the steady beeping of the heart monitor.

Everyone gathers around the bed in a semi circle, no one said anything, no one knew what to say or what to do, Penelope was always the one to cheer everyone up she would know what to do but now she was lying in a hospital bed and all they could do was hope and pray that she would be able to open her eyes again.

For Derek seeing his best friend like this was just too much for him and he ran out of the room but Hotch was quickly behind him.

"Derek you need to calm down." Hotch said softly.

"Do not tell me to calm down! She might never wake up again and you're going to tell me to calm down!? I knew that she wasn't getting better." Derek lowered his voice a little. "She went to see her brothers and after that she just seemed so upset I shouldn't have let her go not by herself at least."

"Derek you know that this is in no way your fault, she's stubborn she doesn't like accepting help. You tried it is not your fault it's nobodies fault." Hotch said to try and reassure him.

"I just can't be here right now." Derek said and he walked away. Once he was out of the building and in his car he pulled out his phone and called Kevin Lynch.

"Hello?" Kevin answered.

"It's agent Morgan, I need you to help me find somebody. I'll be at the office in fifteen minutes." Derek said and then he hung up the phone and drove off.

——

Once he arrived he went to the cyber crime department and found Kevin in his office.

"What do you need me to do?" Kevin asked a bit nervously he knew that Derek didn't particularly like him.

"His name is Danny, he's a drug dealer I need you to track him down." Derek said.

"What's got you interested in a drug dealer? And why aren't you getting Penelope to do this for you?" Kevin asked confused.

"She's in the hospital." Derek answered hesitantly.

"What? Is she ok?" Kevin asked.

"I need you to not ask questions. Can you help me or not?" Derek said.

"I can try." Kevin answered and started his search. He was expecting d to leave for a few minutes but he didn't he just leaned against the wall waiting for him to find something.

A few minutes later Kevin spoke again. "Ok I think I found him, he lives in an house about 20 minutes away from here, I'll send you the address."

Derek barely let him finish before walking away and getting into his car. He punched in the address into his GPS and drove off. He didn't know exactly what he would do once he got there, he wanted to arrest him, he wanted to beat the living shit out of him but most of all he wanted him to know what he did, he wanted him to know that he was destroying people's lives and he was killing people.

Once Derek arrived at the house he walked up the porch steps and knocked on the door and got ready to confront the man.

The door opened and a man appeared.

"How can I help you?" He asked.

"My name is Derek Morgan, Id like to speak with you Danny."

"How do you know my name?" He asked.

"Because I know someone that you sold to and now she's lying in a hospital bed." Derek said trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Look man I'm just trying to make some cash I'm sorry that someone got hurt or whatever but that's not my fault it was her choice." Danny said casually.

"She might never wake up again and I know that you don't know her and this means nothing to you but she means everything to me. She is an amazing person and she was going through a ridiculously hard time and then you show up and you tell her that the pills will make her happy and that's true they did until they wore off and now she's more depressed then she even was before. You saw that she was upset and drunk and vulnerable in the bar that night and you took advantage of her." Derek said.

"Well then maybe next time you shouldn't just leave your sad, drunk, vulnerable friend alone so that she doesn't get taken advantage of." Danny snapped back at Derek.

That comment pushed Derek too far and he punched Danny so hard that he was on the ground. Derek knew that Danny was right and that's why he was so angry he was still so angry at himself. Without another word Derek walked away and went back to his car.

His phone started ringing so he answered it.

"What."he snapped.

"Morgan, its Reid, Penelope's awake." Reid said through the phone.

"She's awake?" Derek asked just to be sure that be heard him correctly.

"She's awake." Reid confirmed happily. "So get back here right now."

"Im on my way." Derek said happily and made his way back to the hospital to see his best friend again.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: thank you for all of the reviews. The next update might take a little longer to publish because I have a lot of college work right now but I'll get it posted as soon as possible. **

————

Derek got to the hospital and went straight for the room. He saw everyone standing around outside the room and got a little worried.

"The doctors just checking her out. She woke up but she's having trouble speaking and she seems really disoriented." Reid told him.

Once the doctor was finished he explained to everyone that she didn't seem to have any serious brain damage but she would be a little out of it for a while because of the effects of overdose.

Everyone was relieved because they all knew what could have happened and now they knew that she was going to be ok.

"I'm gonna go talk to her." Derek said and went in and sat on the edge of the bed next to her.

"Hey." Penelope said quietly barely above a whisper.

"Do you remember what happened?" Derek asked.

"I don't remember much... I'm still really fuzzy... I just remember feeling really ill but the doctor already explained to me what happened so I know and I am so so sorry but I promise that I'm going to get myself all fixed up." She said.

"I really thought that I was going to lose you." Derek admitted.

"Oh please! it's going to take a lot more than this for you to get away from me." Penelope joked.

"I'd never want to get away from you baby girl." He took a deep breath and continued "I wanted to apologize to you, I know that you say that it's not my fault but I can't help but feel so guilty about everything. I _never_ should have left you by yourself."

"Hey." Penelope said as she held his hand. "You have to stop this. It was my decision it was not your fault, do you understand?"

Derek just nodded and changed the topic. "How are you feeling?"

"My head feels like it's going to explode but other then that not too bad." Penelope said. "There's a program here that helps people with different addictions, I think I'm gonna do it. I would be staying at the hospital for at least two weeks and it'd be a lot of therapy and stuff but I think it's something that I need to do."

"I think that's a really good idea." Derek agreed.

The door opened and they were surprised to see Strauss walk in. "Morgan,would you mind stepping out?" She asked although it was phrased more as a demand then a question.

Derek knew better then to argue with her as he knew that it wouldn't end well so he hesitantly left the room.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Derek asked Hotch.

"I have no idea, I don't even know how she found out." Hotch said.

"Kevin Lynch told me that you were here. He brought up your medical records." Strauss said, her expression was unreadable and it made Penelope quite anxious.

"Ma'am, I know that I am probably so fired right now but please just let me try to explain and maybe—" Strauss cut her off before she could finish her nervous rambling.

"I'm not going to fire you Garcia."

"Your not? But what about our contact?" Penelope asked.

"I have ripped up the contract, you are no longer required by law to stay with the FBI. I want you to take some time off to sort yourself out and if you choose you don't have to come back and I will even be a reference for you to get a new job, however if you choose to stay and I hope that you do then your job will be waiting for you when you come back no strings attached." Strauss explained.

Penelope needed to take a second to process what she had said. She was fully expecting Strauss to fire her on the spot but she was actually being so nice.

"T-Thank you, ma'am." She said not knowing what else to say.

Strauss nodded and walked out without another word.

Penelope was now left alone and she started thinking, could she leave and FBI? She had never actually thought about it before even when things got really hard because it had never even been an option but now that her contact was gone the option was on the table. It was strange, she couldn't even imagine herself not working there anymore. The past few years have been the best and worst of her life and she had grown so much as a person since she first entered the building in handcuffs. She loved her job because she loves her family and she loved that she got a chance to help save people bit she also hated the horrors that she had to face throughout her screen every day and she hated how much evil that there was in the world. However the Good strongly out weighed the bad and she knew that there was no way that she would be leaving her family anything soon.


	11. Chapter 11

Penelope got released from the hospital the next day and now she and JJ were at her apartment packing some things that she could bring to the treatment centre.

She was almost done but she remembered something else, she went over to the table in her living room and pick up a picture of her the the team all together, it was taken at JJ's wedding and everyone looked so happy.

JJ smiled upon seeing the picture and was reminded of the happy memories of that day.

"I heard that Strauss tore up your contact. Your not leaving, are you?" She asked.

Penelope gently placed the photo in her bag and closed it before turning around to face JJ. "Don't worry sugarplum I'm not going anymore, well for a couple of weeks I am but I will be back very to brighten up your lives once again with my sparkling charm."

JJ laughed. "Are you gonna be ok?" She said more seriously.

"Yeah I think I will be." Penelope said and for the first time in a long time she actually believed it.

"Oh, and make sure Kevin doesn't touch my stuff or I will be forced to make him disappear, I can do that you know."

"Oh I know, after all there is a reason why you aren't allowed to enter the CIA building." JJ smiled.

"We better get going back to the hospital." Penelope said and they headed out.

———

It had been a month since Penelope went into treatment and she was getting discharged today. She couldn't be more excited to finally get to go home and see her friends again, they had visited her and called her whenever they could but it just wasn't quite the same.

It had been a really difficult month but it was very worth it, she still wasn't 100% but she was so much better then before and she now knew how to properly cope and deal with her feelings to prevent any further relapses or breakdowns.

"Hey!" Penelope said excitedly as she saw Derek get out of his car to help her with her bags.

"Hey, you look so good." Derek said genuinely as he pulled her into a hug, and he was right she looked happy again and her eyes had that familiar sparkle back.

"Free at last!" Penelope said as she and Derek drove off.

———

The next day Penelope walked into the office excited to be back at work.

"Hey what are you doing here?" Hotch asked.

"What do you mean? you know that I got out yesterday." Penelope said.

"Yeah I know and I'm so glad to see you but I thought that you would at least want to take a day or two off before coming back." Hotch said.

"I've already had a month off, I've been cleared to come back and I already spoke with Strauss, trust me boss man I'm ready to be back. " Penelope assured him.

"Well alright then, it's good to have you back Garcia." He said with a slight smile.

The rest of the day went on as per usual, it was almost as if nothing had happened, everyone was still looking out for her and making sure that she was truly ready to be back and wasn't just being stubborn but she truly was ok and everything seemed to finally be restoring itself, that was until H got a call from the head director of the fbi.

"Hotchner." He answered.

"Agent Hotchner, I'm calling to inform you that we were able to track down Ian Doyle and he has been arrested. I have already spoke with agent Emily Prentiss and arranged for her to return by tomorrow afternoon. The director explained.

"Really? She's coming back so soon." Hotch asked, he was obviously happy that she would finally get to come home but he also knew that her return would bring about new sets of problems.

"Yes that's correct, I suggest you speak with your team as soon as possible." He replied.

"Yes of course sir, thank you." Hotch said before hanging up the phone.

Hotch walked out of his office and and went to inform JJ and Rossi on the situation.

"Oh thank god." JJ said after listening to Hotch, she felt like weights had been lifted from her knowing that her friend would be coming back safe and that she would no longer have to lie to everyone else about the truth.

"How you think everyone will handle this?" Rossi asked.

"I don't know. It certainly won't be easy, they were all convinced that she was dead, we buried her there's a grave stone in the cemetery with her name on it and now we have to experience to them that she's actually alive and she's coming back." Hotch said.

"Do you think that Garcias going to be able to deal with this? I mean she literally _just_ got out of the hospital and this would be a lot for _anyone_ to take in." JJ said concerned.

"I honestly don't know but I do know that she is strong and I believe that she'll be able to handle it." Hotch said, he wasn't that confident but he had to at least be optimistic after all its not every day that people come back to life.

"She'll be here tomorrow by noon."

———

Hotch decision to wait until the next day to tell everyone, he decided that it would be better for them to actually get to see her in person. So once twelve rolled around he called everyone into the conference room.

"I need everybody at the round table right now! We have something very important to discuss." He said and he prepared himself for this conversation he knew that emotions would be everywhere and it wouldn't be easy in the slightest for anyone.

"First off I need you all to know that I take full responsibility for everything and of any of you have any problems you can take it up with me personally." Hotch started.

"Hotch what are you taking about?" Reid asked.

"Emily is alive."


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey, i know that its taken me a while to get a new update for this book because i wasn't really sure what i wanted to do with it but i think I've got it figured out so I'll try to keep up with the updates now. :)**

———

"Emily is alive. She lost a lot of blood but the doctors were able to revive her, she was given several new identities for her protection and the information was on a strictly need to know basis to avoid anyone being able to track her down." Hotch explained.

"she's actually alive? I don't... I mean she was dead. I went to the cemetery yesterday to put down flowers." Penelope said shocked as she tried to process this information.

"Like I said I take full responsibility and if anyone has any issues they can speak with me." Hotch said.

"Issues? Yeah I've got some issues." Derek said angrily but was unable to finish because the sound of the door opening caught his attention.

Everyone watched in awe as Emily walked into the room.

"Oh my god." Penelope said as Reid went over and tightly hugged Emily.

"I am so so sorry." Emily said as she hugged everyone. "Truly you guys didn't deserve this. Not a day went by where I didn't want to contact you."

"Wait so if you faked your own death so that Doyle wouldn't find you then why are you here now?" Reid asked.

"I got a call yesterday from the director, Doyle has been arrested so it was safe for her to return." Hotcb said.

"Who else knew about this?" Reid asked.

"Myself, Rossi and JJ." Hotch replied.

Reid felt his chest tighten. "You knew this whole time." He asked JJ angrily.

"Spence I-" JJ tried but Reid wouldn't let her finish.

"I showed up at your house every day for two weeks crying and you never once thought to tell me the truth. What if I started taking Dilaudid again? Would you have told me then?"

"You didn't." JJ said.

"No, but I certainly thought about it." Reid snapped. "What about Garcia? She almost died for god sake!"

"What?!" Emily asked turning her attention to Penelope.

"A lots happened since you...left." Penelope replied.

"Reid I know that your upset and you have every right to be but if you want to be mad at someone be mad at me, JJ wanted to tell you she really did but I didn't let her." Hotch said.

"I can't be mad at you, I didn't come to you in tears for two weeks straight." Reid said before walking away to cool down. JJ tried to go after him but Emily stopped her knowing that he just needed some time.

A large amount of tension was left in the room after Reid left and no one knew quite what to say in the moment.

"So what exactly happened while I was gone?" Emily said breaking the silence. The question was clearly directed towards Penelope.

"It's been a rough few months." Penelope locked arms with Emily. "let's grab some coffee and I'll get you all caught up."

After the two had gotten the coffee they went back to Penelope's office to talk. She explained everything to her and by the end the two were hugging.

"I'm so sorry." Emily said.

"It's not your fault sweetie and I'm really ok now. Just promise me that I won't have to have another funeral for you again, real or fake"

"I promise." Emily said.

"I still can't believe that your actually here, I feel like this is all some messed up dream and I'm going to wake up and you're going to be dead again." Penelope admitted.

"Hey, I'm real and I'm right here and I'm alive and it's going to stay that way." Emily said as she held onto Penelope's hand.

Penelope smiled "I think you should go talk to Reid, he's pretty upset."

"Yeah you're right, I'll go talk to him."

——

"How you holding up sweetness?" Derek asked as he leaned on the door frame to Penelope's office.

"This is just so crazy." She said. "She was dead and yet i just had coffee with her."

"I know it is pretty insane but whats important is that shes back now and we're all together again."

"You're right." She agreed. "I just feel bad for spence. He's taking this really hard."

"The kid will be fine, he just needs some time to process it all." Derek reassured her.

"I wanted to ask you something actually." Derek said.

"What is it handsome?"

"Come out to dinner with me tonight, just the two of us. I missed spending time with my baby girl."

"I'll be there." She agreed.

"Good." He smiled before leaving her to go finish some paperwork. He really did miss having her around and happy now that she was out of the hospital and recovering he was very happy to spend as much time as possible with her.


	13. Chapter 13

**So this is going to be the last chapter, its short but i felt like it was a good place to end. I hope you like it. :)**

——

"Hey baby girl." Derek greeted her as she entered the restaurant that they agreed to meet at.

"Hey handsome." She smiled back.

The two started eating and chatting. They felt like they hadn't seen each other in so long and so it was nice to catch up and chat.

"So i asked you out tonight because i wanted to catch up with you but i also wanted to

tell you something." Derek said. "I love you Pen. I know that we say that all the time but i mean it. I don't just want to be best friends im in love with you.

Penelope smiled anxiously. This was actually happening. Derek Morgan was sitting across from her confessing his love for her she'd be lying if she said that she'd never dreamed of this moment but things were different now and she knew in her heart that now just wasn't the right time for them. "Derek...I love you too I do but i still have a lot of work to do on myself right now and i don't think that its a good idea to be getting into a relationship right now, i just don't think I'm ready for that right now."

Derek was hurt he was expecting her to say yes but he respected her decision and he knew that she was right. He was actually proud of her for putting herself first. She didn't completely reject him which meant that there was still a chance in the future for the two of them as a couple but until then he would keep being the best friend that she needed him to be.

"Thats ok i understand. Now i think that its been far too long since we've had a good movie night."

Penelope have him a confused glance. "Really? You still wanna hang out with me after i rejected you?"

"Last time i checked you're still my best friend and nothings about to change that."

The pair then exited the restaurant and walked to Dereks car. Penelope was so worried that things would be awkward now but they weren't they still loved each other and they were still best friends just as close as before maybe even closer now that their feelings had been revealed. It became clear to the both of them that they had something very special and even if it wasn't a romantic relationship they were still just glad to have each other in their lives.


End file.
